Ah, Valentine's Day. I've no sooner finished the last of the Christmas cookies, chocolates and seasonal sweets — and am about to finally start on that New Year's resolution to lose some weight — when you come around with your giant, heart-shaped boxes of seductive temptation.

We're a country obsessed with whole grains, health foods, and stuffing everything within arms reach into a juicing machine. Yet by Feb. 14 every year, 80 bazillion-million-trillion boxes of chocolates fly off store shelves.

"No one" lets their kids eat that much candy.

"No one" buys it for themselves.

"Everyone" says they buy it for "others." And those "others" claim they can't eat it because it's not healthy, or they're on a diet.

I get downright irate when Doug comes home with a box of delicious, mouth-watering Valentine candy under one arm. (And not just because I was hoping for a new pair of leather boots.)

"You KNOW I can't eat that!" I scold him. "I'm trying to (choose one):

A. lose weight

B. lower my cholesterol

C. get my skin to clear up!"

"Why would you tempt me like that?" I say. "Do you want me to (choose one):

A. blow up like a balloon

B. get clogged arteries

C. break out in pimples?"

Check the trash a few days later, though, and you'll find handfuls of crumpled paper candy cups. Don't ask me where the candy went; it's just (magically) gone.

Candy's one thing, but there is one Valentine's Day tradition that's always a hit, a token of love that even I can't turn down: a lovely, thoughtful, sentimental greeting card. These days, there are cards so specific to every possible type of relationship, if you can't find one to fit your situation, you just aren't trying hard enough.

For example, here's the verse from a card I saw for a rollerblading couple ... one where he isn't ready to settle down yet:

"We met at the rink; you shot by like a rocket! You took my heart with you to keep in your pocket. In pink rollerblades with sparkly laces, you looked like an angel; in my book you're aces.You rollerbladed your way right into my life. I love to skate with you ... but I don't need a wife.

"Happy First Valentine's Day."

I also saw a cute card for a little boy to give to a teacher:

"Dear Ms. [FILL IN NAME], I love you so much. My mom says I'll get over it; but just in case I don't, what are you doing on Feb. 14, 2021? I'll be able to drive by then, and I'd like to take you to dinner. Happy Valentine's Day from your student and friend. P.S. My allowance is only $5 a week, so don't expect to go anywhere too fancy."

If I were going to write a card for Doug to give to me on Valentine's Day, it might say something like, "Happy Valentine's Day to my beloved wife. Here's 500 bucks for shoes. Knock yourself out."

Instead, I'm pretty sure the card I'll get will be all lovey-dovey, and come with a dozen roses and a big heart-shaped box of chocolates — which I do NOT intend to eat (at least, not when anyone is looking).

Cathy Drinkwater Better writes from Eldersburg. E-mail her at cbetter@juno.com.

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user comments (1)

user efanto says...

As usual, funny and clever... and so on target.

Posted 10:49 AM, 02.15.10

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