Where does the time the go? Here it is shorts-and-tank-top season, and it seems like just yesterday I was burning my swimsuit in protest over false advertising that claimed it would make me look 10 pounds slimmer, five years younger and blonde.

(It did make me look blond; but on the other two promises, they totally lied.)

The United States has a reputation for having the most overweight people on the planet, and yet we are obsessed with looking thin.

We don't seem to care that the normal, average human body we see on charts and posters in our doctors’ offices doesn’t look like an anorexic fashion model after six weeks on a dessert island.

Yet, for some reason, that's what we aspire to anyway.

There are TV shows devoted to losing weight, where the winner gets the one title we all dreaded high school: world's biggest loser. Magazines, books, support groups, even online help are devoted to weight loss; not to mention food-delivery plans that bring prepared meals right to your door.

"I've never felt better!" declares the retired-sports-figure spokesperson, tossing a football back and forth with his "grandson" as he shows off his svelte new frame. "And I never go hungry!"

Really? Then why are you eyeing that kid catching the football if he were a turkey with all the trimmings?

Low-calorie foods and drinks are advertised constantly. The makers claim they can pack a ton of flavor into something the size of burrito and it will still have only 80 calories. I'm guessing the main ingredient is Styrofoam packing peanuts or sawdust. The actress happily choking it down in the commercial -- and making her friend jealous because all she's got is a crummy ham sandwich -- must be getting paid a lot.

These diet plans and food companies must be going about it all wrong, because America is still obese -- and it doesn't seem to be getting better.

Before the country sinks into the ocean, I'd like to try it my way. I know people want real food, not stuff that looks like lasagna but is actually made out of couch stuffing.

I know how hard it is not to snack between meals when your tummy's rumbling so loudly your coworker in the next cubicle can hear it. And I know what it's like to go out with friends and not be able to eat or drink because you're "watching your weight."

That's why I've come up with a line of products that's realistic, yet won't pack on the pounds. I'm going to call my company Frab Foods.

For instance, one Frab Foods innovation is our devil's food cupcake with sausage filling. It has all the calories of a regular cupcake and two breakfast sausages -- but who could finish one? Hence, you ingest fewer calories without even trying.

I just have to decide on a slogan for my new company, and I need your help. Should it be: "Frab Foods -- we're 'barf' spelled backwards!" or "Frab Foods, betcha can't keep us down!"

Seriously, sign up for my meal delivery plan. I'll have you in that swimsuit in no time.

Cathy Drinkwater Better writes from Eldersburg. E-mail her at cbetter@juno.com.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to an editing error, a phrase in this column was stated incorrectly in The Eagle's June 21 print edition. It is corrected here.

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